At the age of 12 I recall my mother bringing me to one of our local hospitals for a diet program. This is where I first learned what the words bowel movement meant. Every week I would need to fill out a form which asked many a question about my bowels movements, and some other things. I would have my blood drawn by a nurse who acted as if her drawing my blood was the sole cause of my weight loss success. I saw a nutritionist who showed me plastic food and a clear gelatinous blob (that was turning brown from all of the handling) which represented my body fat. She gave me frozen meals and special shakes to take home.
It was AWESOME being the only kid at the lunch table peeling back a clear plastic film from my black, plastic, heated at home before school and was now room temperature meal. I remember once choking on a piece of that plastic. My friends continued chatting while I gasped for air with no luck. My arms started to get weak and I held my hands up to my neck to make the universal sign for choking. This got their attention, but no one knew quite what was happening. I shoved my own finger down my throat and was able to grip the small piece of plastic and save my own life.
The girls around me started to question me in their judgemental ways and demanding I tell them what I was doing, I remember yelling "I was fucking choking- this is the universal sign for choking" while demonstrating. One girl snapped at me and said "No, THIS is the universal sign for choking" as she used her freckled right hand to make a shadow puppet duck, and her left to wrap around the wrist as if choking the duck. I'd like to say that was the last time I sat with those girls, but it wasJunior High school in a small town- there was no changing lunch tables as each clique had their own.
Despite the fact that I lost 40 pounds on this diet and was only 10 lbs above the target weight for my height and age, I was always the fat girl in the small town in which I grew up. I was even nominated "Most Athletic" in our Junior Highschool Yearbook Superlatives- a devestating blow to my self esteem compliments of the Jock/Nerds (too nerdy to be jocks, too jocky to be nerds). Fortunately I was in the Yearbook Club and was able to throw those nominations out (I am confident if my name was to have appeared I would have won simply because I was surrounded by small town bastards). I decided to embrace my fat and I did what any other girl who busted her ass to lose weight, but was still relentlessly teased would do- developed a strong sense of humor and became sexually active at a young age!
Fast forward to the cusp of age 32 and I am still trying to lose weight, except instead of the ten pounds above my goal weight as an early teen, I am about 150 pounds above my goal weight (hence the title of this blog 150 to Goal). I am tired of being fat and all that goes along with it- buying the clothes that least cut off your circulation to name one. I have two small children that I want to be around for as long as I physically can be, and it is time.
My first step was finding a doctor who would support and guide me through weightloss without telling me I need to remove half of my digestive system. And the lap band? I don't like the idea of some foreign object with a port in my body. When I weighed in I topped the scale at 301lbs (308 was my absolute heaviest and I was pregnant with my first son) and am wearing a size 3x shirt and 24W pant. I have chosen to blog about this journey as there are others who are fighting the same fight. That, and I figured it would keep me honest and accountable! Thanks for reading this far and I thank you in advance for your support!
